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Our emotional baggage could have been the death of us both, but its the exact same thing that makes me run back to you. There you are, scared about making a mistake, and here I am, scared to let go.

They say we only have one shot at being happy. If I had the chance, I would go back to that day. Then  you could take back the words you said, and I could take back all of mine. Then maybe, just maybe, this could work out the way we always hoped it did.

Trigger.

On Friday, I was in the studio recording vocals for How Does It Feel, which is a song which I subconsciously wrote about my late grandparents so to re-live what I was feeling when I was writing the song, I had to re-visit those days by reading my past entries. Boy, was that tough. I thought the feelings would go away once Friday was gone, but the reality is that they got exacerbated when I got news yesterday about one of my friend’s grandparent fighting for survival in the hospital.

I’m usually pretty alright when it comes to handling negative emotions but this one was difficult. Its funny how all the emotions that you thought you had long forgotten can be easily remembered just by a slight trigger. I vaguely remember reading somewhere that one does not simply get over a death, you just learn how to live with it. I’ve never really understood what it meant, until today.

I’ve had a fantastic weekend with family and friends, but I can’t seem to shake off this feeling that there is a huge gaping hole in my heart. I hope it’ll go away soon; maybe get reminded again sometime in the future, but just not now.

Untitled #464

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Questions?

Whenever something requires a lot of effort, I don’t do it (unless absolutely necessary) thus I am really more comfortable just being silent and not talking. But then, there are days when I have a lot to say, and then there are days when I don’t. Also, my school curriculum has this system in which participation marks (usually around 10% of the total grade) includes having the students to speak up in class.

Sounds fine, right? Wrong. Because most of the time, our motivations to speak up in class is not because we actually HAVE something to say, but because we really just wanna get our participation marks. So you have undergraduates asking the most ridiculous questions in class just to show the lecturer that they are ‘participating’ in class. And these questions are the most obvious-in-your-face-because-the-answer-is-on-the-powerpoint-slides type of questions.

Its like having a teacher coming to class with saying that she is about to teach about Mensuration, and a student asking her,”What are we going to study today?” literally 2 seconds later. I feel like punching somebody every time this happens because everyone KNOWS that the student is asking a question for all the wrong reasons.

The most ridiculous thing happened to me 2 years ago, when my professor called out a bunch of names (including mine obviously, which is why I’m ranting about it now) and brought us outside to ‘talk’. Apparently, we were the naughty ones who have not been asking questions in class and that we are failing our participation grade (mind you, it was barely 4 weeks into the semester).

Our only saving grace? To ask ANY questions during class so that we will get the full 10%.

The reason? To quote my professor, “I really want to give the 10% to you but if you aren’t speaking up and participating in the lecture, how can I do so? So you can ask me any questions, not even related to the topic. Just ask questions.“

 I came to school to learn new things, not ask questions that Google is able to answer. I’ll ask questions when I want to, not because I’m being forced to, thank you very much.

Talking about asking questions, I’m gonna be meeting James Morrison this coming Monday for an interview. I IS EXCITED!!!!

His voice makes me wanna fly to wherever he is touring, and just stalk him every night. Just kidding, I am too broke to do that. Youtube, it is.

Hope.

I hope every minute of your life is an adventure – one that can never be replaced by anything else and one that you have desperately been seeking the whole time.

I hope you find joy in every step that you take, and when you find yourself losing the battle, you will remember the little things that makes it all worthwhile.

I hope you find meaning in all the things that you have been through, and how much of a stronger and wiser man you have emerged because of them.

I hope you will find comfort in the fact that whenever you feel alone, you are in my thoughts. No distance and no broken hearts will stop me from hoping for the best for you.

I hope when you look back on one of the happiest moments of your life, you would remember me.